Daily Doses of Jules

What am I going to do….

I found out on sat morning that my sister is one of the biggest coke heads in the city. And what makes matters worse is that she is six months pregnant. I found out because her stupid boyfriend decided to text me telling me all the details of their habit as well as how he can’t control her & he needs to “save himself.” In other words he is only thinking about himself & how in order to get healthy he has to leave her. Then he continues to say that he can still be a father to their child without being with her. For me, he is dead to me. First because he already has a child with another woman & knows that blessings of having a healthy child. Why would he let her to do lines of coke everyday knowing the effects it can have on an unborn child? Secondly why would you texts all these craziness to me & then still continue to have an ongoing relationship with her? If you want out then get out & leave her be.

All day saturday I didn’t know what to do. I spent the day going over every scenario in my head. So I broke down & told my father who seems to not want to do anything. Then I tell my mother who I knew would help me figure things out. We pulled her out of the house she was living in and took her home. I figured she would move to my mom’s house but she is living with me. I am now wondering if I have made the right decision. She doesn’t want to change & this baby is going to suffer. Why can’t she see that he doesn’t want to be with her or isn’t planning on being around for awhile. I get that she doesn’t want to be alone but who does. I have this awful feeling that she will leave & go back to doing coke every single day. And who is going to end up raising this child is my mother or I. I also have a feeling that she is sneaking lines when we are not around. I can’t be her 24 hr babysitting her & if she doesn’t want to get better how can I force her to get better. She just came in w/her idiot bf smelling like smoke. It’s like she doesn’t get it at all!!!!! I want to scream at her, actually to the both of them… until my head explodes. But everyone tells me that I have to stay calm so that we don’t force her to run away. So stay calm & tip toe around her…. how is she finally going to get it through her head!!! Seriously what am I going to do.

-J

I hate that people have their shit together and I don’t:( I just heard today that a girl I know just got accepted to the UMich. I don’t think she’s all that smart, actually she comes off as really dumb. I don’t know what to think. Did she get a rocking GRE score & that’s how she got in? Or is she smarter than what she appears to be. I should be so happy for her but I’m kinda not… I am kinda just mad at myself. This is what I should be doing… getting into a top tier school & doing what I love best!! But instead I am sitting out another year, and wasting time. I know there is a reason for all of this but I am sooo impatient. Why am I running a business that seems to have no benefit for me? I feel like everything in my life is always happens backwards:( I know that I am way smarter than her but I know that my chances of getting into UMich are slim to none. Please God help me get my life together & move on to what I want most in life. 

Then what makes matters worse… mr defense attorney is going to the other side of the world for a minimum of 5 weeks and a maximum of 3 months. Seriously, how can he just do this to me? How can he just pick up & do this without any repercussions? What I am doing to myself? Everyone is always leaving me:( How am I going to cope this summer:( 

I need to crack down & just concentrate on what I want out of life. I wonder if I will be completely satisfied & happy? Is this a possibility? I know that God will never give me more than I can handle & I know that he has a path for me. I just have to be patient & have faith in what he has planned.

-J

Too Many Things…. not enough time

I have so much stuff to do again… The semester is about to end and like always I have left everything till the end. My adv stats final is over two days… closed book is tuesday & my take-home portion is due thursday. I am starting to freak out. I am trying to write 2 papers for my adv theory class for tomorrow & I still have not started. I think I am getting burned out. I wish I could just work on my thesis & concentrate on proving my theory. I guess I still have all summer & fall since I decided out a year. 

I have, however, decided to start buying things for the house. I want to re-decorate since mr. engineer said that we could not get anything bigger for now. I understand his logic but I hate being crammed in this little house. So I am again in the mood to re-organize & change the way things looks so I feel like somethings have changed.

Mr. Engineer is planning on coming home for my bday but I am worried that things will be awkward. Mr. defense attorney is planning on going out of the country because his mom wants him to get engaged:( I dunno what to do & so much of it is completely out of my hands… so for now back to Wallerstein and his theory of world systems:(

-J